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DR. LYN's PRACTICE BUILDING TIPS FOR COACHES & THERAPISTS

Volume 244 July 2025 GROW Training Institute, Inc.
Email feedback and questions to growpublications@yahoo.com

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Dear Colleagues,

I hope your summer has been fun and prosperous!

I've been busy recording new YouTube videos and video clips for my social media pages. I've recorded quite a few on relationships, which made me realize I needed to write my next feature article on Relationship Coaching! You can see my YouTube videos on relationships HERE.

If you have any questions about becoming a Certified Coach, call me for your FREE initial 20-minute phone consultation. My fee is normally $120 per half hour, so this is an $80 value -- FREE. I hope you'll take advantage of it! Email me to set up a time: growpublications@yahoo.com

Many blessings to your success,

Lyn

P.S. If you haven’t already become a Certified Coach with GROW, this year would be the time to do so! See details HERE.

"The beginning is the most important part of the work." ---Plato

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July 2025 Special Offer:
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Advanced Ethical Issues for Therapists & Coaches

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Feature Article

Relationship Coaching
By Lyn Kelley, Ph.D., MFT, CPC

Relationship Coaching and Counseling is one of the BEST specialties you can have. Nearly everyone needs relationship improvement, whether it be with a mate, a friend, a colleague, an aquaintance, or a family member. Even if the client comes in with a goal to "make more money," or "change careers," there will ultimately be a relationship issue that pops up. Here are 2 of my favorite modalities, although I have many more in my C.E. Course "Coaching & Counseling for Relationships: The 10 Biggest Mistakes People Make" (50% off this month -- see offer below).

Imago Theory

My absolute favorite couples work has been done by Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen, who wrote the book in 1988, Getting the Love You Want (and many more to follow). It is one of the most impactful relationship books of all time. Harville and Helen theorized that we are attracted to mates who are similar to our childhood caregivers (most likely mother and father). This has become one of the most important revelations in the history of relationship psychology.

Their work conceptualized into Imago Theory, basically the theory that we interact with our mates from a place of subconscious pain from our childhood wounds. Imago therapy is a specific style of relationship therapy designed to help conflict within relationships become opportunities for healing and growth. The term imago is Latin for "image" and, within imago relationship therapy, refers to an "unconscious image of familiar love."

An “imago" is the image that's build into our subconscious. It contains all the positive and negative qualities of our caregiver(s) who raised us. This becomes a template for the romantic partner we look for down the road. Initially, when we fall in love, we feel like we are similar to our partner in many significant ways, and that feels good because it is familiar. The word familiar comes from the Latin word, meaning like family. We are subconsciously attracted to things and people that feel familiar. Then, over time, we find out we have differences, and sometimes these differences touch (or pound on) our pain triggers (childhood wounds). This leads to conflict, polarization, and often misery.

The next challenge is that most of us have been raised in a culture that values “winning,” competition, and one-upsmanship. This leads to control and power struggles. Hence, the 50% divorce rate and the 75% marital unhappiness rate.

The Hendrix’s have many fabulous exercises that assist couples in this process of healing. They have developed workbooks that anyone can purchase to do this work themselves. There are workbooks for singles, to assist them in finding a mate who they can connect with, and workbooks for couples before marriage or living together, during, and after. If your client is struggling with relationships, and their wounds appear to be very deep, I highly recommend finding them a “Certified Imago Relationship Therapist.”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Perhaps the most important and effective aspect of John Gottman’s research is his “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to his research, can predict the end of a relationship. I call these the four Relationship Weapons of Mass Destruction (RWMD’s). Gottman worked with thousands of couples who had just gotten married. He used videotaping to follow their communication over a three year period. Using the “Four Horsemen” as a guide, he was able to predict whether or not the couple would divorce with approximately 90% accuracy.

1. The first horseman is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing. For example, a complaint would be: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” A criticism would be: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”

If you find that you and your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.

2. The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. For example:

“You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”

Research even shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems! Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner—which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority. Most importantly, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.

3. The third horseman is defensiveness, and it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is almost always present when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. For example: Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?” Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?” This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective. For example:

“Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”

4. The fourth horseman is stonewalling (or withdrawal), which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.

"Don’t find fault, find a remedy."

--Henry Ford

Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them, but this knowledge is not enough. To drive away destructive communication and conflict patterns, you must replace them with healthy, productive ones. Learn the "antidotes" for the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in my C.E. Course "Coaching/Counseling for Relationships" HERE.

"‘Always’ and ‘never’ are two words to always remember never to use."

---Dr. Drew

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July 2025 SPECIAL

********1/2 PRICE SPECIAL ON OUR POPULAR COURSE********
"Coaching & Counseling for Relationships:

The 10 Biggest Mistakes Peole Make"
10 C.E. Contact Hours - 50% Off -- Now only $48.50

Not valid with any other offers

For more info and ordering click HERE
See full course listing on our website HERE

GROW is an Approved Continuing Education Provider for most State Licensing Boards

GROW is an Approved Coach Training Organization for the CCE:
BCC (Board Certified Coaches), and NCC (National Certified Counselors)
HURRY -- Offer only good through July 2025!

Questions? Contact Lyn Kelley, Ph.D., MFT, CPC growpublications@yahoo.com

or call 858-837-1412

LYN'S MARKETING CONSULTATION

Dear Colleagues,
Let me help you make 2025 your SIX-FIGURE INCOME YEAR!!! I am available to you for telephone and e-mail consultation on any area of practice building. You own a BUSINESS. If you want to be successful, you have to do what other successful people do. They KNOW "it takes money to make money."
Become a member of GPCCA (GROW Professional Coach & Counselor Association.) I'm certain I will save you MUCH MORE than the membership fee by helping you NOT DO what I know DOESN'T work, and DO what I know DOES WORK! Contact me at growpublications@yahoo.com
Thanks!
Lyn

See more info about Lyn's practice building consultations HERE

INSPIRATIONAL TIP OF THE MONTH

You’ve consistently given your best effort, even when you were tired and hurt.

You no longer have to be afraid to hope for more.

The shift is already in motion.

The results are undeniable.

You deserve greater abundance.

Give yourself grace on the hard days.

Remember that what’s meant for you will always find its way to you.

Regardless of your fears, the delays, or the unexpected obstacles, things will always unfold as they’re meant to.

Life has a way of aligning things in your favor when you least expect it.

You can feel whole again.

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BECOME A CERTIFIED PROFESSIONAL COACH!

Click HERE for full information and application for GROW’s CPC Program -- the fastest, easiest, least expensive, highest quality Certified Coach Program available! Call me for your FREE 20 minute phone consult if you'd like to know more about it. Lyn: 858-837-1412 growpublications@yahoo.com

See details HERE

See Dr. Lyn's YouTube Video:
"THERAPIST to COACH: My Story"

FREE C.E. Course!

Everything You Need to Know About Becoming a Life, Wellness, Career, or Business Coach
By Lyn Kelley, Ph.D., MFT, CPC
5 C.E. Contact Hours -- Includes 53-page manual, quiz, and
Certificate of Completion

See details and ordering HERE

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Congratulate our New GROW CPC's!

Taylor Mark, CPC #2344

Eden Prairie, MN

taylor@liferenovationcc.com

www.HopeRedefined.org
612-207-1244

Specialties: Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Life & Relationship Coaching

Mission Statement: "I empower people to reach their goals and feel equipped to take the next best steps in their journey toward their desires."

"I began my coaching journey in January of 2025, when I started my graduate internship at both Hope Redefined and Life Renovation Counseling and Coaching doing virtual coaching and counseling. I have gained experience in observations, documentation, conducting intake calls, facilitating support groups, and coaching one-on-one clients. While doing intake calls, I have sat with women and inquired information regarding their story, goals, self-care, support system, emotional regulation/coping, next steps, etc. I have really enjoyed doing these intake calls because it has allowed me to be a safe and welcoming space for those yearning for support.
I have also observed and facilitated support groups for betrayed wives, navigating the sting of sexual betrayal. These two support groups are called Abiding in Hope and Courageous Hearts. I also co-lead a 4-week virtual workshop coaching women on how to write a letter of impact to their spouse. Lastly, I have began to sit with clients one-on-one and help them process, set goals; boundaries, and navigate their next steps going forward.

All of my personal coaches have coached me both personally and professionally. My coaching plans for the future include remaining at both Life Renovation Counseling and Coaching and Hope Redefined where I will continue to do intake calls, facilitate support groups, and sit with clients for individual sessions. I will be facilitating a support group beginning in September on the topic of "boundaries", as well as creating my own content to launch another support group for young women navigating betrayal in dating, engagement, and early marriage. I will also be attending APSATS training in January to begin the process of earning a partner coach certification, and my long-term goal/dream is to write my own book titled Betrothed and Betrayed, which will include my personal journey with betrayal as well as provide informational and encouraging content for those navigating their own betrayal stories, especially is young adulthood. I am excited for the next steps and thankful that God is opening doors for me to use my story to encourage others!"

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Margery Ahern, CPC # 23425

Evergreen, CO

gomindfulcoaching@gmail.com

www.GoMindfulCoaching.com

720-607-4161

Specialties: Coaching for new, positive thought patterns, Relationship Coaching and self love, overcoming obstacles, mindfulness.

Mission Statement: "I coach teens, adults and seniors to cherish themselves and be their own best friend."

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